Greeting to all who are reading this. If you follow me, I apologize for my inactive state. My depression had hit an all time low. The lowest it has ever been in my 29 years of life. If you’re new to my blog, welcome and get ready for a long report of the past 6-7 months.
To start off, my relative has tried to go on two different kinds of medication to remedy her so-called “anxiety”. Both give her bad migraines after she progresses to the highest dosage she can take. Now she’s on nothing.
And she gets worse every few weeks. She even said when she convinced herself that no meds can help, that she would project her anxiety on me.
When I say this, please believe it. Living with her is like navigating through a mine field.
And it gets rougher with time. As our relatives decline in their lives, she gets increasingly more cycical, more negative, and more overbearing. She developed a very dark sense of humor. And still thinks she’s the most intelligent being in the world. And treats everyone, especially the “baby” (me), like they’re the most inferior of all.
Worse yet, it’s not like she’s getting any younger. Not only that, her health has declined tremendously over the years. But it especially went down quick over the span of just one year. Her memory is so bad now that she forgets simple cleaning jobs that I have redo. She can barely keep track of any of her meds, so now I have to keep a close eye on things. I can’t tell you how exhausting it is to do all that, and so much more.
And the worse her health, the worse her attitude gets.
And the reason it gets to me is because I suffer from major depression, and negativity greatly affects my ability to fight off my depression. Especially when I have to live with a dark, negative person every day.
And it really diminished my joy. My happiness. My progress.
One other reason it got to me so adversely is because of my view of myself. I know not to believe the things she says about me. But to hear that I’m always a baby to her, that I’m the “special” one (we all know what that means), and then to be syrupy fake sweet right afterwards, only to look golden to other but pious to those who know the truth…
It’s more painful than I can describe.
I am a woman. Not a little girl or a baby.
I am not special. I am someone with a mental disorder who is not held back from it.
An empty apology does not fix calling me a thin-skinned baby when I tell her tactfully that I’m not defined by my Aspergers. Especially if you’re just going to do it again in the future.
Make no mistake, as soon as I get some work, I am gone. Just because my brother is nowhere to be found and my sister escapes to work instead of being there to help doesn’t mean I should suffer.
Until then, it’s a matter of dealing with it as best as I can.
And I’m learning how to master it. With help.
One thing that I remind myself is that others are suffering worse than I am. It’s puts things in perspective.
Another thing that will help is therapy.
I’ve had one session with a behavioral consultant, and just releasing all my feelings by talking to her did wonders. Sure, my problems did not magically disappear, but it made a bigger difference than I could ever imagine.
And it’s helped to me see that if you speak with someone impartial, who listens and validates your feelings, your trials become easier to deal with.
That was just the consultant. I’ll be meeting with an ongoing therapist this coming Thursday. I’ll let you know how that goes. (For real.)
Another help is getting out of the house as much as possible. And I have dear and understanding friends who help make this happen as much as possible. I’ll be heading to Pennsylvania next month for a bridal shower, and back in my home area later on to visit another dear friend. Who I just reunited with after a decade. But that’s a story for another post.
I’ve got a lot to share. New experiences, new friendships, other cool things. But I’ll end this one for now.
Again, my sincerest apologies for not posting in so long.
But I’m back now… And I will NOT let depression take me that far down again.
So check back every now and then for new posts.
Thanks for reading this. Have a great day.
P.S., writing this on a Samsung Chromebook! At last my own laptop! (But no emojis until I figure out to impliment them. Sorry.)